I'm still alive. barely. But I (kind of...barely?) speak french now, my grammar and written french is still brutal and Grade 12ish as ever but I can carry actual conversations and understand Quebecois accents, which I'm considering a real achievement.

Riviere-du-Loup isn't anything I want or need to go into great detail over, there was one big "thing" that happened other then that whole learning another language detail.

I don't want to go into that at the moment but I will say that I'm yearning for September and feel as if some large chunk of body tissue at the bottom of my stomach has been taken from me.

Vancouver is nice, although apparently I've got tonsilitis. I went to Ali's cabin on Gambier yesterday, and once again I can affirm that Ali cooks better then almost anyone that I know. Tomorrow I'm going to Whitehorse, I'm excited about that.

Until the nextime,
tantot

FUCK I LOVE COLLEGE AND FUCK I DONT WANT GO HOME AND FUCK IT I DONT WANT TO LEAVE MONTREAL AND FUCK I HATE CLASSES AND EXAMS AND SHIT THATS COMPLETELY WORTHLESS WHEN ALL I WANT TO DO IS HAVE A FUCKING GOOD TIME

p.s. i'm teaching myself hist 226 vis a vis wikipedia : (

I think the last few weeks have been the strangest of the many that came before them.

I don't want to leave Montreal for the summer quite yet, everything seems to be turning towards the sun and the sun seems to be turning towards it even when the sun isn't out.

I (3) know less about myself now then I think I ever have, and hectic times make hectic behavior and generally just increasingly hectic outcomes. I'm still convinced I need to run away at some point next year and let everything just meld out of nothing, but I'm legally bound to an apartment now so that's not (as) possible

I (4) know that now I'm probably more vulnerable (in a good sense?) and naieve and free then I have been in a long time. I also think that I like that. I also love how ridiculous everything has become and how ridiculous (inshallah) this summer will be

Thesis's Derived between Four and Five AM in the bowels of Redpath Library*:

"Happiness does not exist."
"Who the hell is Norman Mailer anyways?"
"Andalusian Hebraic-Arabic Poetry? Who gives a fuck?"
"I'm pretty sure I don't own that reader.."
"I chose McGill...why?"
"Law School? Really?"

Go to the other side of the mountain, find a coffee shop for the 24 hour period, set up your camping spot, andtake the metro back the next morning.

«I have serious liver trouble, therefore I mustn’t drink. As for me I’m conscience-stricken, so I mustn’t kill, I think.»  For the ones who’re conscience-stricken empty glasses we shall fill. As for those with liver trouble we shall have to shoot and kill. Andrey Voznesensky

"Jennifer and I have Wills, they're sitting in my office"
"what are you getting?"
"I get all her stuff, she gets all my stuff"
"if we both croke they all go to our parents, with a certain percentage going to our siblings"
...
"They ask what your jobs are, down with the spouses job, it increases your premium"
...
"You won't be living in areas where there's a lot of crime, they assume"

Andreas Gursky

Too much talk of paradigms, is bad for the mind.

To be told of one, is to be stuck in one. Neurology will tell you that the paths have already been forged
You will be trapped by these innate tracks of the mind, your train can go faster, speed towards the glimmer
of progress the illuminates the steady race for "future", but your destination has been set by your orientation.

but the railway goes one way. you are headed one way, the electrical charge closes its gate at the end.
(IT IS not possible to live in prior, in other tenses, they do not exist, bear)
Perhaps that iss what has <<closed>> my <<mind>>, locked "bourgeoisie", "progressive" values into my <<psyche>>.
They work, they maintain, they keep peace. They keep the absence of such, locked away

No violence is peace. Happiness is the absence of desperation.

Perhaps that's what has closed my mind. Verse, doesn't transcribe well.
It doesn't register, it's prevented, it's defiled, it's below and rationality is above.
That is my paradigm.

It is easier to be dumb then to be trapped, I hope I'm dumb.


[ While I was building neat
castles in the sandbox,
the hasty pits were
filling with bulldozed corpses

and as I walked to the school
washed and combed, my feet
stepping on the cracks in the cement
detonated the red bombs.

Now I am grownup
and literate, and I sit in my chair
as quietly as a fuse

and the jungles are flaming, the under-
brush is charged with soldiers,
the names on the difficult
maps go up in smoke.

I am the cause, I am a stockpile of chemical
toys, my body
is a deadly gadget,
I reach out in love, my hands are guns,
my good intentions are completely lethal.

Even my
passive eyes transmute
everything I look at to the pocked
black and white of a war photo,
how
can I stop myself

It is dangerous to read newspapers.

Each time I hit a key
on my electric typewriter,
speaking of peaceful trees

another village explodes.]
Atwood

She hit me, it wasn't a kiss but the absence of a nail being put into a coffin. That must be a good thing.
I was/am/will be traditional. I will am escaping.

Dear Mordechai Richler,

Lest I knew that from the eyes of Duddy Kravitz minds would be trapped in paradigms even to the present!
Am I but fossilized? Living in a time period where the lowest stretches of St. Urbain are condemned to the
pockets of poor and the Gursky's of Westmount still reign from a background so honoured! You have been dead
for a few a year, this city has most certainly seen it's change, yet the truths of the pass refuse to let the present
transgress into their domain. How unfortunate! But the Quebecois no longer claim pure laine precedence!
Anti-semitic? C-101 is now all but. How fortunate! But why has my mind followed you pivots,had but I known you
before my arrival upon this island I may have been able to break the cast. But I am but an actor in your stories!
If I was to follow that stereotype, as you penned down I shall inherit the gilded-cages of the older orders!
Let me escape Mordechai Richler, you are dead! I am alive! I do not want to be shackled by the temperment
and consciousness of dead eras! Let me live guilt-less, let me live free!

I'm supposed to be writing this paper, but there is too much on my damn mind.

You (1,3):
Geography is our advantage, when you return to this city I will see you

You (1):
Why would you say that too him? Why did I never get those words? Why so unabashed? Was it a reaction? Was it something I evoked out of giving insufficient attention? You told me once, you told me twice. It was that fateful September night that had me cut out of the equation. But it wasn't that clear cut. I fixated on you, and that was your fault. Last saturday wasn't supposed to happen

You put me through an emotionally-casted hell, I didn't like that. You made these damn moments miserable

I was fine before that happened, I had accepted it all, I knew that you wanted him. For gods sake I thought you loved him. I was ok with that, I have no problem with that. But for hell if that was a reaction to an action I engaged in... If that was the reason, then I hate you, I hate you so damn much. I was ok when you hit me, I am still surprised you didn't hurt me physically, no less if i did that to you.

To hell, I will hate you so fucking much for that. I'll hate myself more out of no fault of my own, or so I'll repeat to myself too many damn times. You're not a damn trophy.

I am not ok with that. I'm not ok, that won't be ok.

A fairly random and censored selection of text messages beginning on the 22nd of June 2008 to the 30th of November 2008


Yo jacob what's the intersection for the restaurant?

Natasha needs jacob canada passport in the next 4 hours but he is not answering. Bob has already left downtown and dropped his off. Her number 604 609 9680

Jacob do you need a lift?

I will after lunch

I got my shegen visa! Yay i'm going to paris!

I am in office come over

Come to cactus

I'm on the grind jacob I will call u later we miss you already!

Fid welcomes you to France.

Just give BA your tag number and address in Paris and they will deliver to you

Jacob what's happening with your luggage?

I am ici

Me in laf 2 floor

Oui

No flights. What number r u at?

Just woke up ill be at pr in an hour

Why dont i come by the house and pick you up at 1045

I missed the 12:45!

Hey are you still downtown?

Yes. You at home?
 
Ill be there in 15?

Um, where were you thinking? Things have messed up a bit but i'll be free at noon and call you

5146993622 is your new number and it will work in 30 min

...irene?

Did you reg for both froshes?

I am in montreal! When are you free? I wanna come visit you!

I am at solin!!!

Holy shit your frosh is annoying... : )

Sure, Whatever.

Thanks for the drunk dialing last night :p you in hospital/japan yet?

Are you still in the courtyard

Omg. Oh c wood

Yes. Russian is so hard

That's what your dad told me...I should have considered the source LOL

Hope you are out getting a little francais action on this Friday night!!! Alison

G

Jacobb! Coming to 737!?

Football! U?

Hi doll.

Where are you at dog?

Bon

Where the fuck are you?

Just finished

Jacob lets meet at 7pm at lacadmie

I might just fail econ

I dreamt about challah last night and i didnt know what. Then i realized what day it was! Shanah tova!

yo, wherez ya phone

laura marling at 10 near guy-concordia, shugo at 11 on mont-royal

U still awake?

Ok.

We're in the same class. I should be relatively not difficult

Coming to ghetto shul?

Its at the best western at peel and sherbrooke

Club cab yeah!

Bagel soon?

Where is the jew crew?

cafe cadpus come!

Ok I want it really bad

Wanna go vote with me tomorrow?

Hey! Arc caf? Now?

The eagle has landed at TD go take a break and have a pint!

Dejarehst yacob i miesd u thanx

If my laundry card is not here in 5 minutes i will slice you and dice you and feed you to the sharks

You were supposed to get sacred and come runing down

Hey! i have all your shit

Yes ohio

New mex!

weed legal mass!!

Virginia

You lose, jacob parry

Maybe drugstore with jogg and co

Want some new roommates?

I heard you scared all your roommates away. nicely done.

Jacob will be at le meridien at 815pm. faster then i thot

Surely. And I as well. But that doesn't mean you shouldn't sleep. Sleep evenutally. Its better for your health. Stay healthy

Annd now im in new York. Pregamed my flight...not a good situation

Hey let me know when you're home. You're getting a hug for real

Well, that got a lot more complicated, and then it didn't, and that was ok.

I didn't intend to be pacing the foul-stained corridors of Montreal General, spacing time between ill-postured seats and a half-working water fountain. But it was probably better that I was there, for my sake at least.

And to you (1), I miss you. I'd probably say I'm sorry, but there's something I don't like about the semantics behind that combination of words. I think I may miss you because I can't have you, but that's ok as well. I don't know how to deal with you, you've very strange and scour character and intention behind pre-supposed mystery. I bet you made it all up, but I was ok with that, I liked that. Maybe not now, and probably not later. We'll figure each other out someday
...I'm sorry for what I said to him. That was brimstone, jealousy, and fire. Be flattered. I only did it because I liked you

Consequence took precedence sometime after one in the morning, and you confuse me too much. I had to be there, that was my call, I wanted to be there, and shoveling you attention was something that the situation couldn't afford. Turn to him, if you want, I care a lot and it hurts me, but I've never had much susceptibility to pain, I'm ok with that too.

And to you (2), I miss you as well. I want to say I miss you more, but I don't. Maybe the next time I see you neurons will flash and synaptic overloads will take me off my feet and rationale. I had too much rationale with you, but I was ok with that. I'll see you someday and you'll want what was there, I can't guarantee it will be the same or that situation will evoke similar response. I do not want to take you for granted, I don't want to take anything or anyone for granted. But if I do, and if I lose you, it will have to be ok.

No, I'm not dead inside, I still care.

But I didn't want to see her that night, I don't like seeing people in hospital beds. The comedy of walking out bandaged with holes for cords in your arms, donned in a cocktail dress and shoeless, smiling and reveling in the irony of time and place was a site easier to tolerate.
We waited a long time for her, but it felt worth it.

And to you (3), I like you. that's it.

you (1, 2, 3) won't read this. I can deal with that

"That was the one that got to me, Kiddush ha-shem, hillul ha-sham, it was the imagery that ceded into my mind, a haunt of conscience that permeated guilt through thoughts and processes. No, it wasn't guilt, nor shame, but maybe just self-consciousness. I'd say anger, but motivational apathy was too prevalent to operate under that clause, yet emotionally it exploited in the most white clothed of sense all orientations towards time, death, or place. It was death, essentially it was only about death, many of them, but most of al just one or two. Eyes close, why was no longer a question. Two-thousand years took precedence over the events of one's life, self-aware, an sense of identity and isolation from the grand banks of collectivism... that didn't matter, it was too late for that. Kiddush ha-shem, absence of pain and suffering is not the objectve, righteousness is not the objective. Hillul-ha shem, lest he be happy. Lest he intended this, lest we attempt to supercede the channel from the crevasses, as the depths where the soul is headed offer redemption and vengeance, do as Akiva, kiddush ha-shem"